A Frustrated Hottie, a Temporary Satan Worshipper, and an Apparent Nympho

grab bag, people and relationships, society, wackiness

Just a little bit of lightness for this morning 🙂

I’ve taken dance lessons from this one very talented instructor, and I was a bit taken aback upon noting that her nickname in dance forums is “Hottie.” Though she’s certainly quite blessed in the looks department, I found this to be a rather odd choice of nicknames… possibly even bordering on conceited.

Then one day she explained it all to me.

After moving from Oklahoma to St. Louis she found that some very important people — namely the folks who take pizza orders over the phone — were having a bit of trouble understanding her.

PIZZA GUY: And your name, ma’am?
HOTTIE: Haaaawdy.
PIZZA GUY: Hottie?!
HOTTIE: No! Haaaaahhhhhdy! H-E…
PIZZA GUY: Um, yeah, okay, whatever. Be there in 30 minutes.

It never failed. She’d get a pizza delivered to “Hottie,” not “Heidi” despite her valiant but misunderstood efforts to communicate her name with her endearing southern accent. And so, after much teasing from her pizza-sharing friends, the nickname stuck.

* * *

This one fellow — let’s call him Paul — is a rather tolerant and friendly guy as well as an outstanding scientist. But he was finally reaching the end of his patience after fending off a practically non-stop barrage of prosletyzing Jehovah Witnesses and similar folks knocking at his door. Apparently, “Thank you, but I’m not interested. Kindly don’t disturb me again” was simply not very efficacious.

So Paul decided to follow the “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em” mantra… or at least join them over coffee. Therefore, in an attempt to finally talk some sense into the evolution-deniers, he invited the next pair of suit-clad bible-bringers into his living room and offered them some coffee. They chatted together amiably… and Paul felt he was making some headway. Then he got to the existence of fossils.

“So how do you explain fossils?” he asked, with a twinkle in his eye. Ah, he had them now!

“That’s easy” one of the guys responded quickly and with utter seriousness, “The Devil put them there to confuse us!”

That’s when Paul realized it was all a moderately entertaining but ultimately hopeless waste of his time. But it wasn’t all for naught: he also got a brilliant idea!

A week or two later, when yet another pair of Jehovah Witnesses came a knockin’, Paul was prepared. He answered the door, cackling the best evil and menacing laugh he could manage, and hissed: “Come on in! I’m a Saaaaatan Worshipper!”

His girlfriend, just a few feet behind him, was initially shocked but upon seeing the petrified faces of the missionaries could barely keep from busting out laughing. The speed with which those two guys mounted their bikes and zoomed away can only be compared to something out of a Roadrunner cartoon. And lo and behold, it was nearly a year until a pair of their comrades dared to come knocking again.

* * *

I was telling this story to my friend Lana… a sweet, generally quiet woman. But, as her story bears out, sometimes it’s the meek ones you most have to watch out for!

She, too, was having a similar problem with prosletyzers bugging her regularly, despite her polite requests to go away and not come back. The last time (and so far, indeed it HAS been the last time) a pair of them stopped by her place, she opened the door and invited them to come in and shower with her. Apparently, a fear of hot nekkid chicks is about as deeply ingrained as a fear of satan worshippers… and so those fellas high-tailed it out of there pretty lickety-split after turning ashen and stammering an “um… thank you… gotta go!!!”

Of course, after telling me this story, Lana attempted to demurely backpedal a bit. She was, she insists, in a rush to head out to meet a friend and was just about to head into the shower when she heard a knock at the door. So apparently her FULL protestation was something along the lines of: “Aaaah! I’m really in a rush and… um… well, I’m about to take a shower.” The guys didn’t move. They’re trained, clearly, not to take excuses. Exasperated, Lana said the next thing that popped into her harried mind: “Fine, um, I guess you could come in and join me.” As noted above, THAT got them to move. Quickly.

I asked her, of course, what she would have done had they accepted. That’s when she gave me this look that basically translates into “ADAM!!!!!!!!!!!” and so I grabbed my Bible, got on my bike, and pedaled away as fast as I could…

4 comments… add one
  • J. Sep 27, 2005

    I love the AdWords ads that you’re getting for this post.  ;D

  • Adam Sep 27, 2005

    Oh my, that’s entertaining 😀

  • James Apr 7, 2008

    Hum, nice story, i like it.

  • Adam Nov 1, 2008

    Happy you enjoyed it, Tony!  I’ll try to make some humorous entries again soon 😀 (and re: the smilies… it’s quite possible that newer versions of ExpressionEngine—the blog system I use—have nicer or more plentiful smilies, but I’ve been too lazy to install newer versions so far.  I keep holding out for the holy grail of 2.0, which is due “any day now.” [sigh]

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