Heated theories from an agnostic

grab bag, society, wackiness

I recently read that the Pope, understandably concerned about the dangerously high temperatures in Europe, has been asking people to pray for rain.

As an admitted agnostic, I can only conclude that one or more of the following must be true:

1) God is or has become terminally clueless.
He’s also newspaper- and CNN-averse, and so he isn’t aware of pretty major things like heat waves unless enough people politely fill him in.

2) God acts on the Popularity Principle.
He knows about the heat wave and realizes folks are dying and bad stuff like that, but he chooses not to act unless he has a popular mandate. “Hmm… okay, 2,718,666 more prayers and that’ll tip the scale. Until then, I’m going back to authoring another sinfully bad Jim Carrey script.”

3) God just isn’t that concerned.
“Heat waves, schmeat waves,” he is perhaps musing, “Anything that gets more French to shower can’t be all that bad. And hey, look… my air conditioner company stocks are up! Woo hoo!”

4) God wants to increase tourism to Iceland.
That’s pretty self-explanatory. Er, wait a minute… do they actually have tourism there? Or just Bjork concerts?

5) God’s hankering for a Pope Regime Change.
“Hmm… maybe if enough bad stuff happens on this guy’s watch, they’ll instate a new Pope. Maybe even one with a different name. How about Bart? Or Herbert? Hell, why not a hot chick like La Cicciolina? I get kinda tired of seeing John’s old fart face every day.”

6) We can’t program our new VCRs, God can’t program his new digi-thermostat.
“Let’s see… hold down button C9 while flipping the auxilliary bottom side switch and… oh, crap! That didn’t work. Hey, wait, it’s stuck! Oh no! Jesus Christ, I could use some help. Yeah, would you take a look at page three of this manual and see if you can help me with the global temp settings? Damn newfangled technology. If this keeps up, I’m gonna cause another dot.com bust, I sure am!”

Did I miss any possible theories? Oh yeah. Maybe there isn’t a God? Nah, that’s just not as entertaining. Unless… unless… maybe it’s an international conspiracy of our fair and balanced(tm) liberal media. Maybe there really isn’t a heat wave in Europe. It’s those damn commie pinko global warming nuts just making things up again…

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