I am a Bad American, too

I am a Bad American
By Adam Lasnik — http://www.bladam.com/
A response to the reactionary essay cited at http://www.snopes.com/language/document/carlin.htm

I look forward to the day when the Peace Corp offers pay and benefits equal to the military.

I have a problem with our government arresting people and detaining them without charges for months on end. Isn’t that what countries like, oh, Iraq have been known for?

I believe that teachers or others performing society-enhancing work should make more than the arrogant and ineffectual CEO’s who plunder and then bankrupt their companies.

I think people like Senator Rick “Man on dog” Santorum and Anne “Kill all non-Christians” Coulter are, or at least SHOULD be an embarrassment to the Republican party. Er, make that an embarrassment to humanity.

I think sexual behavior that goes on between ANY consenting adults is nobody’s business besides those directly involved.

I think that folks who make millions and corporations who make billions of dollars should actually pay some taxes instead of savoring every loophole they can find.

The great thing about whatever diety you worship is that he/she/it is (probably) available outside of business hours. In other words, don’t use resources funded by my tax dollars to facilitate your prayerful objectives in schools, courthouses, and so on.

I think there’s something screwy when we American taxpayers spend $100 billion dollars to wage a pre-emptive war for our “security” when millions in the U.S. lack jobs, basic medical care, or even a roof over their heads.

I believe that any politician who utters the despicable words, “If you’re not with us, you’re against us” or anything similar ought to be immediately banished to a land in which there are no civil liberties whatsoever.

I feel there should be more Arts education in schools. Stuff like marching band not only instills discipline and teamwork, but leaves kids with much less time to get into trouble.

I think colors are for coloring books, not for asinine “terror codes” that do nothing to help anyone. Someone should duct tape Tom Ridge’s mouth.

I am disgusted by our country’s ridiculous “War on Drugs.” How about a War on Pandering Politicians instead?

I believe that any President of a large country should have actually spent some quality time outside of his or her homeland. Putting together a coherent sentence off the cuff would be nice, too, especially without relying on the word “Evil.”

Condoms break, birth control sometimes fails. If you don’t like abortions, don’t have one.

I’m confident that the real problems facing our society are not caused by celebrities or violent videogames or “those godless homosexuals.”

I think proclaiming a “War on Terrorism” is ridiculous. Usually wars have a beginning and an end. Does anyone forsee one of our leaders bragging, “Okay, folks, we just won the war! No more terrorism!”?

So, of course, we’re going to be “at War!” for at least the duration of Bush’s tenure. No wonder why Republicans so steadfastly oppose criticizing our President during war time. How conveeeeenient.

I think that when a national tragedy strikes, there are far more noble calls to action than “Go Shopping!”

I believe that “Liberal” is not a dirty word, and I wish more of our spineless Democrats would pick up the clue phone and care about something other than their re-election.