Why, oh why, please tell me why!


I received a (large) free sample of this… stuff, and after it sat in my cupboard for about six weeks, I decided it was time to be brave. It was a time for action.

You see, I had purchased some chili earlier this afternoon which ended up being decidedly mediocre chili. Not wanting it to go to waste but not being too terribly excited about eating it, either, I figured this was a perfect opportunity to give that Velwhatever stuff a chance to shine.

My first shock occurred when I gingerly unwrapped its surrounding space-age-like metal foil and noticed that… this stuff was like a block of Cheese Whiz(tm)!

Alarmed but undaunted, I cut off what could loosely be called a small slab of the bright yellow mush and, threw it along with a few large spoonfulls of chili into a bowl in the microwave.

With a doleful slump rather than a melt, the cheese enveloped the most-likely-not-too-thrilled chili concoction, daring me to stir, daring me to eat.

I took a deep breath… then a tentative bite… and…


My mediocre chili had become Godawful chili infested with why-do-people-eat-much-less-buy-this-horrid-unreal-slop.

Seriously, I want to know. At least with Cheese Whiz, you’re getting the convenience of a no-fuss-no-muss spray can that you can use to attack crackers with sans utensils.

But Velveeta offers none of the, ahem, taste of real cheese while also offering none of the convenience of that charming bit of Americana in a can.

So what’s the deal here? Can someone please help me understand the allure of this product? Is it, like Spam (the meat kind) typically consumed by particular demographics that are unaccustomed to the joys of real food? Is it some sort of cosmic sick joke perpetrated upon unlucky free-sample-receivers?

And is it actually available in any restaurant, fine or otherwise? “Well, sir, we offer colby, swiss, gouda, and Velveeta”?

I’m really curious. But not curious enough to actually dare another taste of this jiggly yellow brick.

[ I humbly invite you to reply to this post on my Conversation Corner thread here. ]

What do you think?

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