Tuesday I will be in Mountain View. Tomorrow I will be in Frankfurt with good friends and many drunk loud Germans screaming at a big TV. Tonight beyond the witching hour I declined an adventure in Koeln, being the wise or stupid one. Today I was rocking out with people from 10 to 79 and also teaching a tango dancer to waltz to a band playing surprisingly damn good cover songs. Also today I unexpectedly toured Bonn for two hours with a beautiful new also-unexpected friend, played piano for an entire wedding in Sankt Augustin, and ate a breakfast of bread, sausage and cheese for the many-hundredth time.
Now I am not clubbing. I am not answering any work e-mail. I am recharging my phone, my camera, and I am thinking. And yes, writing.
Writing and thinking about how every new experience, every new friendship brings discovery, along with often joy, wistfulness, confusion… reminders of what was, what will not be, and choices. Always choices.
Sometimes I envy those with simple lives. They grow up and die in the same small land. They marry their high school sweetheart. They are neither worldly nor stupid. They don’t have huge dreams to dream or to shatter or to just miss by a teeny tiny what if or an almost or a one-courage-short. With small dreams come exponentially smaller risks, fewer disappointments, less uncertainty. And certainly less angst.
I travel a lot. I see a lot. I have friends in more countries than I can count on my two hands doubled, and close distant friends in at least one hands-worth. They’re so far away. They’re having kids, they’re changing, they’re focusing.
And I… I am still exploring. Sometimes regretting. But—in those moments when I let my mind wander in the way that is not wandering to procrastinate or to forget—I am more wondering. I cannot change what I’ve done and what I’ve become, but will I make better choices tomorrow? Or, rather, will they be more important choosings of the things that matter, not which coupon site mint gum new web too oh site cool phone app sock alignment?
So here I sit, much loved and alone in yet another hotel room. And I wonder if they are fast asleep or wondering, too.