adamyntium

Category: people and relationships

  • The desire for contact and connection

    I’m fascinated by the plethora of sites on the Internet that have been designed to facilitate something that our parents and grandparents did ‘naturally’ — meet other people. I’m not even talking about dating services here, like match.com and friendfinder and so on. Rather, I’m intrigued by sites like Ryze, MixerMixer, Friendster, just to name a (very) few! Oh, and of course, in its own league and rightly famous in San Francisco and elsewhere is CraigsList, a place where tens of thousands have snagged an apartment, bought stuff, found roommates, commiserated about love and loss, and — yes — made new friends.

    I know that many people, including my own loving and quite-bright parents, are unable to fathom the value and humanity of such sites. In their day, they had (and continue to have) absolutely zero problems in meeting people and having a rocking social life.

    Fortunately, the stigma associated with using the Net to make social connections has all but seemingly disappeared, at least amongst people my age (31) and younger. After all, what’s not to like about having free or inexpensive databases at your fingertips that, for instance, allow you to instantly spot people with similar interests living nearby?

    Of course, there are those who dysfunctionally take this sort of networking to an extreme… building ‘friends’ and ‘significant others’ from the ether without any corresponding physical contact to clarify and solidify the bonds. Indeed, I do firmly believe that neither true friendship — nor, certainly, true love — are possible without the in-person component. Combining the concept of one’s soul with one’s communicative presence, I think it’s reasonable to assert that there’s nothing “there” there if you’re, well, not there in person. After all… as we learned in my undergrad Communications classes, communication is more than 90% non-verbal. How can typed words on a screen possibly convey even the remaining 10%?

    Another problematic aspect of online networking is contact overload. Just as it’s possible to overeat at a gourmet buffet, so too can one be quickly stretched thin with too many contacts.

    When it comes down to it, networking is a process and perhaps imperfect art… online people-mining sites are amazing tools… and, ultimately, Balance is the key to the success of successful contacts and connection. It is easier to contemplate and write about, however, than achieve.

  • More on getting the ‘short end of the stick’

    I posted a note here earlier about heightism, and was asked on another forum to expand upon the issues. I’ve included my updated note below.

    I’ll start by noting that I’m 5’6″. I often have a hard time finding pants that fit, and I end up having to have practically any dress pants I purchase hemmed. I’ve only dated a taller woman once in my life, and though she and I had a good sense of humor and confidence about the whole thing, I can’t tell you how many looks and often rude / un-funny jokes we got. Getting first dates — online or offline — has been considerably more frustrating for me than for my less height-challenged friends. I also had the uncomfortable feeling during job interviews via business school that — despite higher qualifications than many taller peers — I was given the ‘short end of the stick’ so to speak.

    Via articles from reputable sources, I’ve learned that it’s “not just me.”

    And it?s not all in our heads. As reported in their book, Stature and Stigma (Lexington Books, 1987), psychologists Leslie Martel and Henry Biller asked several hundred university students to rate men of varying heights on many different criteria. Both men and women respondents (short and tall) rated the short men (between five-foot-two and five-foot-five) less mature, less positive, less secure, less masculine, less successful, and less capable. Furthermore, according to a 1999 British study, men under five-foot-six have incomes about 10 percent below those earned by men about six feet tall, while the shorter men were also seven percent less likely to be married. These and other statistics reflect what short people, short men in particular, call ?heightism,? the prejudice that nobody takes seriously.
    – article from the Portland Phoenix

    Consequently, I’m not asking for federal laws, nor am I asking for sympathy. Instead, I’m just bringing up this topic so people are at least aware of the issues.

    DATING:
    Women prefer taller guys. Duh :D. Much of this is rooted in evolutionary preferences, so there is some truth when women protest “but I can’t help liking taller guys!” See also this WebMD article.

    The preference is far from minor. A few years ago, I created two test accounts on a dating site with stats identical excepting height. The 5’10” guy had more than 15x the matches of the 5’6″ guy. Lest you think the difference is only online, go to a bar and — forgive my bluntness — watch ugly tall guys get picked up much more quickly than average or good looking short guys.

    Oh, and this transcript from 20/20 is both humorous and — for us short guys — a bit depressing. In an admittedly not-very-scientific but still interesting study, women chose to date the tall guys in almost every instance, except when they were, say, child molesters.

    WORKPLACE DISCRIMINATION:

    From an article in The Economist:

    Politics. In all but three American presidential elections this century, the taller man has won. By itself this might be a coincidence. And of course some short politicians thrive (examples include France’s Francois Mitterrand and Britain’s Harold Wilson). But the pattern is still clear, and is also found in:

    Business. A survey in 1980 found that more than half the chief executives of America’s Fortune 500 companies stood six feet tall or more. As a class, these wekepei were a good 2 inches taller than average; only 3% were peritsi, 57′ or less. Other surveys suggest that about 90% of chief executives are of above-average height. Similarly for:

    Professional status. Looking at several professions, one study found that people in high-ranking jobs ‘were about two inches taller than those down below, a pattern that held even when comparing men of like educational and socioeconomic status. Senior civil servants in Britain, for instance, tend to be taller than junior ones. Shorter people also have worse:

    Jobs. Give job recruiters two invented resumes that have been carefully matched except for the candidates’ height, as one study did in 1969. Fully 72% of the time, the taller man is ‘hired’. And when they are hired, they tend also to earn rather more:

    Money. In 1994 James Sargent and David Blanchflower, of America’s Dartmouth College, analyzed a sample of about 6,000 male Britons whose progress was monitored from birth to early adulthood. Short teenaged boys made less money when they became young adults (aged 23) than their taller peers – even after other attributes, such as scores on ability tests or parents’ social status, were factored out. For every four inches of height in adolescence, earnings went up more than 2% in early adulthood. Another survey, of graduates of the University of Pittsburgh, found that those who were 62′ or taller received starting salaries 12% higher than those under six feet.

    SAFETY / PREVALENCE OF ASSAULT:
    At least as kids, the shorter folks tend to be bullied more frequently than the taller ones.

    COMPARING HEIGHTISM TO RACISM:
    My comparison of this was not received well in a recent discussion I had on large forum, but I wanted to note that I’m not the only person who has linked the issues. Also from The Economist:

    In general, the kinds of discrimination worth worrying about should have two characteristics. First, bias must be pervasive and systematic. Random discrimination is mere diversity of preference, and comes out in the wash. But if a large majority of employers prefers whites, for instance, then non-whites’ options in life are sharply limited. And second, bias must be irrational: unrelated to the task at hand. If university mathematics faculties discriminate against the stupid, that may not seem fair (not everyone can master set theory); but it is sensible.

    In politically correct terms, people who share an unusual characteristic that triggers pervasive and irrational aversion have a strong claim to be viewed as a vulnerable minority group. Is the discrimination against SHRIMPs, then, pervasive? Plainly so. Is it irrational? Except in a few rare cases in which height might affect job performance, obviously. Is it hurtful? Just ask any of the parents who clamor to put their little boys on growth hormones. Will it disappear of its own accord, as people become more enlightened? Be serious. Try to imagine that a century hence, when genetic engineering allows designer children, parents will queue up for shorter boys.

    In some respects, indeed, SHRIMPs have it worse than members of ethnic minorities. Jews, Asians and other ethnics often favor each other for jobs, marriages and the rest. If they are disadvantaged within the majority culture, they may at least be advantaged in their own. But short men are disfavored by more or less everybody, including other short men. If they want to flee, they need to find another planet.

    Yet – no country seems to have any anti-discrimination protections for SHRIMPs. America now has laws that ban discrimination against 70% or more of its population, including women, the elderly, blacks, Hispanics, Asians, Pacific islanders, Aleuts, Indians, and the handicapped – extending to people with back problems or glasses. Britain bans discrimination against women and nearly every ethnic or cultural group, Rastafarians excepted. But SHRIMPs? The whole issue, if it ever arises at all, is simply laughed off.

    What are the ‘solutions’ to this issue?
    I don’t think there are any, frankly. The situation is unfortunate, but I don’t see it changing any time soon.

  • Short People Got… No Reason to Live

    So this afternoon, against my better judgement, I got drawn into an online discussion about racism. I added my two cents (bringing up the McWhorter Interview I mentioned in my blog here), and then also added my concerns about and frustrations with heightism.

    As shown on this Web site, short folks are not only the butt of jokes in songs, movies, and general conversation, but are also systematically discriminated against at work (hired and also promoted less often than taller people), as well as in the social and dating spheres. Not just anecdotally (though I have plenty of personal experience in this area), but statistically and scientifically.

    After my post, I was practically laughed and boo’ed out of the thread.

    How dare you even equate being short with being black, folks shouted at me. You’re talking apples and oranges, they insisted. Were you ever a slave, were you ever property?

    No, I responded. Were you? You, PERSONALLY? Didn’t think so.

    One kind fella came to my aid.

    So, the difference between the following two statements:
    I was overlooked for a promotion because I’m black.
    I was overlooked for a promotion because I’m short.

    Is? The answer: The black guy has legal recourse, and won’t get told to “just shut up because he’s imagining it.”

    As I noted repeatedly in the discussion I was having, I was neither attempting to minimize the impact of discrimination against minorities, such as blacks, nor even trying to argue that heightism is equal in scope or severity to such discrimination… particularly historically.

    But at the same time, heightism IS nonetheless a frustrating and insidious covert form of discrimination… and a form for which, I fear, there are no solutions. I can’t see mandating hiring quotas for short people, or forcing women to date guys under 5’8″.

    It’s one of those things that we short people just have to live with and adapt to.

    It’d sure be nice, however, if our frustrations were at least acknowledged and not laughed off as mere insecurities or paranoia.

    * * *

    Edited on November 7, 2009 to add this link to the strange-but-catchy Randy Newman piece:

  • Racism, victimhood, and American culture

    People wonder why middle-class black students still have these low grades and scores. There’s no reason to wonder. Part of it is that there’s an element in black culture that is a legacy of racism, and another part of it is that there’s no reason for that to go away, because everywhere a black person turns, they’re given a pass. That has to stop.

    – John McWhorter quoted in an interview with Salon.com

    Within the span of a few pages, McWhorter shuns prominent black leaders, shoots down affirmative action, calls Britney Spears black, and much, much more.

    He does not hold back, and his interview makes for both fascinating and frustrating reading.

    On one hand, at least some of McWhorter’s assertions make a lot of sense. Wouldn’t it be more logical, after all, providing college scholarships to a poor white kid with uneducated parents over a well-off black kid whose dad is a doctor?

    But on the other hand, McWhorter is quick to offer criticisms but ultimately unable to come up with much in the way of solutions on his own. And indeed, it’s neither a sign of bravery or brilliance to question the character and ‘leadership’ of folks like Al Sharpton, even from a fellow black.

    McWhorter’s basic message — that blacks need to move beyond victimhood and take personal responsibility for their success — certainly has substantial merit. But without attention paid to equally deep and related issues, McWhorter’s sentiments seem to be as stark and painful as a diagnosis without a prescription.

  • The culture of Korea

    [ Though written in May of 2001, I think my friend Tamara’s list of observations on her visit to Korea is interesting and certainly relevant today, given the prominence of Korea in the news. I normally include in this blog only stuff I have written personally, but I feel this is a worthy exception. — Adam]

    A QUICK PROFILE OF SOUTH KOREA

    – high cell phone usage; cells provided mainly by a company called Cyon;
    most rings are answered immediately with no apology (incl. in restaurants,
    in the middle of conversations, in bathrooms, and on subways)

    – most kids have desktop computers with a DSL connection (unlike Japan,
    where people surf the web and answer email on their cell phones)

    – appearance is extremely important, esp. perfectly unblemished and light skin

    – the ENTIRE border to North Korea is lined with barb wire, military
    stations & spotlights… and North Korea has built huge apts. in sight of
    Seoul to show their economic independence (btw, all the apts. are empty)

    – cars tend to be Daewoo, Hyundai & Kia, which use either regular gas or
    ‘LPG’ (which burns slightly cleaner)… all foreign imports require heavily
    taxes (I saw only 2 BMWs in Korea)

    – Korean women dress trendy, not cute; however, their mannerisms can be
    cute (ok, except all school girls seem to look impossibly cute)

    – the myth is true: toilet paper, which is packaged in multiple ways, is
    used as a napkin, paper towel and face tissue — even in offices and
    restaurants

    – Koreans drink instant coffee 2-4x a day; don’t really drink any type of
    tea regularly (more a Japanese cultural thing)

    – Korean suburbs are actually HUGE apt complexes… 8-12 buildings per
    complex, each building 20 floors tall, each floor 4-6 apts.

    – no real concept of privacy or solitude, esp. when family is over… you
    are always “on” and engaged

    – countryside consists of rural high mountains, like West Virginia or parts
    of Colorado

    – the roles are still distinct between men and women… traditionally, the
    women will cook and eat after the men

    – women are expected to marry by 25 (latest 28)… I received many
    questions about the status of my “upcoming” marriage

    – all highways are toll roads, usually costing between $100-2000 won (about

    – most Korean men smoke and drink daily, something you never criticize in
    public

    – outside Korean cities, produce is grown in many greenhouses along rice
    patties

    – surprisingly, many men and women dye their hair, usually brown/copper
    highlights

    – kids spend 8-10 hours in school, then 2-5hrs in an after-school program
    (called hogwa)

    – if home, families are expected to eat and sit together

    – every meal includes a spicy dish, usually 2-4 kimchee variations (of 100+
    types)

    – every store will put its sign on its building — creating an overall very
    colorful, very cluttered look (think Las Vegas)

    – 1/5 signs are in English, 1/5 are in Korean spelling phonetic English,
    most highway signs include English “subtitles”

    – American movies are subtitled in Korean

    – most product packaging contains English mispellings for some reason

    – many Koreans study English in school (mostly written study) so they are
    willing to practice English in conversations

    – Koreans love small house dogs, but raise & eat a different type of dog
    for dog stew (uh-huh)

    – most of the houses and restaurants have heated floors (mmm) which creates
    very dry heat… in the winters, I’m told they burn coal to heat the floors

    – most Koreans sit on the floor, incl. homes and restaurants

    – cities have high levels of pollution due to many factories and constant
    traffic… if the U.S. pollution average is 100, Seoul is 2000 (my biggest
    challenge for the entire trip was a burned throat and a hoarse cough)

    – I have observed little attention to design, fengshui, space — Koreans
    have a similar concept called “pungso” (ex., most buildings face south) but
    it’s not really practiced

    – almost always, shoes are removed at the entrance of a home, template and
    restaurant

    – Koreans tend to be either Christian or Buddhist

    – most families don’t continue ancestor shrines but will honor dead
    (grand)parents in an annual ritual

    – overall diet tends to be healthy (rice, fish, soup, vegetables)… but
    Koreans actually love junk food (incl. their version of American hotdogs,
    fried potatoes, pizza which has corn and squid)

    – the music Koreans hear is all over the map… U.S. 80’s and 90’s, some
    recent hits, Japanese hits, Korean bugglegum pop

    – while their meals often takes a long time to prepare, Koreans eat
    extremely fast with little beverage and eat all day… the order food seems
    to be served is side dishes, meat/seafood, rice, a little water…

  • On being warm

    [ I wrote the following note in December of 1998 while living in Europe and immediately after traveling through Belgium and Ireland. The weather was cold, but interactions with the locals made my heart warm. — Adam ]

    I just came back from a relatively short vacation in Belgium and Ireland. Of course, I have a lot to say about my visits in these fine countries, but for now I’m just going to share one noteworthy tidbit.

    As I was hauling my 35 pound suitcase down a street in a suburb of Dublin, a kindly older woman smiled at me and said something. Though I had already become accustomed to and appreciative of the typical Irish friendliness I had been encountering during my stay… the suddenness of her comment and her deep Irish accent caused me to miss what she said.

    She stopped walking, smiled again, and repeated: “I hope you’ll be warm where you’re going!”

    Indeed, it was a bit nippy in Ireland at the moment, and so I suppose it was a rather unsurprising, though admittedly a bit random comment. But for several reasons, it stuck with me.

    The Irish had been good to me during my stay. Although I didn’t really know any Irish people before visiting, I greatly appreciated the cheerfulness and warmth of the natives, who patiently gave me directions, offered recommendations, and gave me extra-big helpings of good food 🙂

    In light of this pleasant environment, I took the woman’s comment in another context. While it’s not always possible to be physically warm in these harsh winter months (at least here in freezing Europe!), there’s definitely something to be said for keeping and spreading warmth in a broader sense.

    During the holidays, we typically exchange gifts, fill ourselves with good food, and sometimes even sing songs in this time of year in which even the most tone-deaf amongst us are free from ostracization and pained glances. And there’s certainly nothing wrong with these traditions 🙂

    But I’d like to put in a good word for BEING WARM… for figuratively lighting a warm fireplace for strangers with our smiles, our kind compliments, our seemingly tiny but still important thoughtful acts, and so on. This holiday season… instead of just being the life of the party, be the warmth.

    And as the wise Irish woman wished for me, I too wish for you: I hope you’ll be warm where you’re going… for the rest of this year, and beyond.

  • On smiling

    [I had originally published this pensive note on my usually joke-filled “Smile List” e-mail newsletter sometime around 1997, and since I enjoyed a rather positive response, I thought I’d share it also on my site here.? Enjoy! — Adam ]

    *  *  *

    Today the topic is SMILING, something that — logically enough — is at the heart of my Smile List. So today, we take a break from jokes… to think about things that make us smile in other ways.

    A few weeks ago, I was leisurely enjoying ice cream at a small family owned Italian ice cream shop here in Germany. Sharing the wonderful rich dessert with a good friend made it worth every penny for this non-discount treat. We could tell, too, that the waiter (the son of the owner) not only had great pride in the delights he was serving, but also enjoyed the atmosphere of relaxed and happy customers.

    The three of us engaged in pleasant chatter for a bit, and when it was time to pay, I gave him a small tip in German money (as is customary), but also added a U.S. dollar bill. He was confused but excited and handed it back to me, but I assured him he could keep it. His glowing smile still sticks with me today… such happiness from a little gesture. He shook my hand — repeatedly — and walked with my friend and me to the door as we exited, still smiling broadly.

    Fast forward to yesterday. It was a cold and stormy day… not much good for anything, it seemed. Determined to make the best of my free Saturday, I invited a good friend to join me… first shopping, and then cooking a warm, creative meal, combined with good wine. And… rich vanilla ice cream, this time with just a smattering of fine Italian Amaretto. We were cooking and eating and laughing and relaxing for hours… literally hours. As we talked, we both commented how it seems people don’t take the time to relax… enjoy the little things, savor the ‘small’ moments. In this era of in-your-face movies, pounding music, 60 hour work weeks, why are we not more often content to sip wine with friends, sit and wonder, ponder, chat about little and big things, and just savor a few unstructured moments?

    And when was the last time you took a bath? I did, this morning :-). I had forgotten how peaceful it is, how much it makes me smile.

    In this world, there are great people doing great things. Great sammaritans, famous doctors, brilliant artists. But too often, we forget about the power of little people… everyday individuals… and little things.

    From a few simple lines I typed here a while back in the Smile List, over 100 of you sent get-well wishes to my friend Moni. She’s recently been able not only to walk just fine, but also rollerblade, and she’s now working and traveling in Asia via an intership there. Your warm thoughts meant a lot to her, and perhaps even helped speed the healing process.

    Lots of you, too, sent cards to my grandparents, wishing them a happy 60th anniversary and Grandparents’ Day… from all over the world.

    Every day, we have the options to do little, simple things to make ourselves and others smile. Do it. Give someone a random hug. Cook a fun or fancy meal — without a ‘reason’. Give an extra-generous tip. Treat yourself to a GOOD chocolate bar. Maybe even share it 🙂

    And I hope, in sharing these thoughts with you, that there’ll be a few more smiles spread around. I wish you a wonderful week ahead, and promise more humor comin’ to you on the Smile List soon. In the meantime, don’t forget to visit my SmileZone, and feel free to post a few thoughts on the things that make YOU smile (or you can even just read what others have written). Go to http://www.smilezone.com/talk, and then from there you’ll know what to do 🙂

    Take care…

    –Adam

  • Christmas cards

    My friend Jen recently blogged an entry about New Year’s resolutions and Christmas Card writing.

    The following is a comment I left on her blog regarding the latter issue:

    I’m torn on the Christmas card thing. On one hand, I hate the process each year. I have 502 people in my Outlook addressbook. No, few if any of them are “Internet” friends; I have known them or at least have met every last one in Real Life… dancing, working, learning, playing, traveling, flirting, or a combination thereof.

    The process of winnowing — combined with the realization that writing and sending cards involves a not-insignificant amount of time and money — is something I do dread each year.

    But then I remind myself how happy I am when I get cards. Real cards I can touch, not e-mails that are easy to send, easy to file or delete.

    And each year I am surprised as well as pleased. This year, I got a card from one of my sister’s friends, a woman for whom I’ve always been fond of. She was actually thinking of me, and cared enough to write a few paragraphs? Wow! I also got a card from an old high school friend, a college (unrequited) crush, and assorted other folks that I either had or had not written myself.

    Christmas card writing is an arbitrary and often frustrating process. But it’s rewarding, too. It forces me to go through my contact list and think… whom should I write? Why? Is it time to file this contact away? Oh, THIS person? Erk! It’s long overdue for me to actually CALL them! Hmm.

    It’s sort of the front-end on New Years resolutions, if you will, Jen. The actual execution isn’t necessarily as valuable as the contemplation.

  • Worshipping others, hating yourself?

    A Chinese friend of mine living in San Francisco has long lamented that he’s at a significant dating disadvantage, because so many of his female Asian peers insist upon dating White Guys.

    This friend has now, thankfully, found a wonderful (and Chinese) girlfriend, but out of curiosity, I checked out some personal listings on the Bay Area Community site Craigs List and — to my surprise and dismay — found that this fella has a legitimate gripe.

    Again and again, I saw comments like, “I’m asian, and I’m looking for a white guy between 23-30.” Some even apologized in advance for their ‘preference’ but — unsurprisingly — no explanations were forthcoming.

    Sure, you hear about the occasional blonde girl with the black fetish, but it seems to me that most of this “diverse” love is one-way… minorities seeking white men and women.

    Is this a form of self-hate? And how much of this is caused or exacerbated by media images?

    According to Malaysian officials, who recently rejected an advertisement featuring the very white Brad Pitt, the media plays a role in “humiliation against Asians.”

    Is this a case of chicken and egg? Is the media (over)representation of whites a symptom or a cause of much of the attraction minorities profess for non-minorities?

    And either way, who — if anyone — should have a hand in ‘correcting’ these biases? The media? Governments? Independent advocacy groups?

    As with so many complex issues, it seems there are no simple solutions.

  • Say my name, say my name!

    You know how some stuff goes better with butter?
    Or with Van Halen?
    Or with snowflakes?

    I think greetings and compliments go better with one’s name.

    Let me explain.

    When dancing, I think it’s much nicer to hear “Thanks for the dance, Adam” instead of just the more-common “Thanks.” It seems to flowly nicely at the invitation-end, too… as in, “Donna, would you like to dance?”

    When it’s someone I don’t know well, I’m flattered that they remember my name, and it seems I’m not the only one who feels this way. I recently saw two beginning follows (dancers) and greeted them by name, and both were surprised and clearly happy that I remembered them.

    I think it’s nice to hear one’s name even from friends or people that have known you for a while. I’m not sure why, but to me at least it does feel good… hearing “Hey Adam!” rather than just “Yo!” or “Hey!” Maybe it brings me back to a time when sitcoms were actually funny, and people shouted, “Norm!”

    And while some may disagree, I’m not hurt at all when people ask my name for the second or seventh time. If they care enough to know my name, I think that’s great. And I don’t think anything less of folks who have trouble remembering names, since I know this is one of my weaknesses (I’m working on it!) and yeah, it’s tough when you dance with 30+ people in an evening!

    What do you think? Do you feel similarly good when people refer to you by name, or do you instead cringe, visualizing your mom chastising you “Marvin K. Mooney, will you PLEASE GO NOW!”?