adamyntium

Category: people and relationships

  • Girls are pretty, boys are hardy

    My blogger friend Jen just posted an insightful essay about Grrlpower and how women and girls are faced with the frustrating perception that femininity and power are mutually exclusive.

    Without meaning to steal the female-thunder on this, I’d like to suggest that men face a similar conundrum.

    When push comes to shove, we cannot actually be both Strong and Sensitive at the same time (despite this being an oft-requested combo in personal ads). Strong = masculine and manly and decisive. Sensitive = in touch with the ‘feminine’ site, thoughtful, collaborative.

    Can you think of any CEO’s who are respected for their strength and sensitivity? I can’t. Er, maybe Meg Whitman (of ebay), but… hmm… any males?

    Politicians? Hmm. Too often it seems to be stereotypically delineated by party label. Republicans = Strong (security, defense, upholding of paternalistic morals, etc.), Democrats = Sensitive (caring, community, health, etc.)

    Why did Republicans sweep the recent elections? We’re Afraid; they’re Strong. Why have most Democrats become spineless booted-out-office-wimps? Because they failed to see how being characteristically sensitive (feeling our unemployed pain, for instance) could have been balanced against fears of national (in)security.

    One day, we’ll note that successful CEO’s, effective politicians, wonderful potential boyfriends and great parents CAN have a mixture of Strength and Sensitivity.

    Until then, though, girls will be girls and boys will be boys. And we’ll keep talking and acting past each other, not with each other.

  • Friends and ‘keeping in touch’

    “Adam,” my mom enthused, “You know, I was just talking to Aunt Elli, and — remember her friends the Bronstiers? Well, their daughter Maura is now living in Oakland! I told Auntie to pass on your e-mail to her. Maybe you two can have lunch or whatever and…”

    “Mom, please don’t” I politely protested. “I don’t need another friend right now. I need to be a better friend to the ones I’ve got.”

    My mom, bless her soul, was neither enlightened nor convinced.

    “How can you have too many friends?!” she argued, “We’re not talking marriage here, for Godsake, Adam, just lunch or coffee…”

    I insisted more firmly: No. I felt guilty, but only a little bit.

    Making friends is easy. Making GOOD friends is much harder. But maintaining or — even scarier — breaking off friendships? That’s the toughest.

    Rewarding? Hopefully. Frustrating? Often that, too. And sometimes painful along the journey? Yes.

    —

    My parents have lived in the same city — actually, the same house! — for three decades, and have been members at the same temple for about the same length of time. They have pretty much the same (many!) friends now as they did when I was growing up at home, and I am thankful for this, though admittedly sometimes almost envious that their social life is currently more rockin’ than mine.

    My folks clearly haven’t had the same transience of friendships as I’ve dealt with, though, at least not recently. In just the last 10 years, I’ve lived and made friends in Evanston (near Chicago), Bloomington (near Indianapolis), Mannheim (in Germany), Boston, and lastly San Francisco, where I live now. Then there are the friends I have who now live in Germany, Switzerland, Sweden, Costa Rica, and more than a dozen other countries. And no, I’m not counting “Internet friends.”

    All in all, I count more than 500 contacts in my addressbook. All are ‘friends’ of various degrees… former work friends, gym buddies, MBA colleagues, that couple I met while kayaking, and so on. To put it in perspective, if I were to contact each of these folks just once a quarter and spend ten minutes in the process, that’s nearly an hour a day of just ‘keeping in touch’. And while some of these folks can be “hello’d” in under 10 minutes, perhaps, quite a few deserve far more of my time and, yes, my friendship.

    That’s a lot of dedication per day. That’s a lot of dedication in my life. And it’s dedication that I have sadly failed in carrying out.

    So, unsurprisingly, I’ve lost friends. Some got married and we seemed to have less and less in common, as we cross-talked about babies and babes, mortgages and job searching. Distance, too, has been a definite issue. Out of sight out of mind may be grossly clich?d, but no less a factor.

    But marriage and distance account for only a part of the lost friendship tally. Sometimes people — or their interests or needs or circumstances — simply change, and, well, the friendship no longer applies as it once did. In these cases, sometimes it seems preferable to ‘pull the plug’ rather than watch the friendship slowly, painfully wither… with plodding uncomfortableness hidden under strained and feigned interest: “So, what’s new?”

    But who can bear to tell someone, “I don’t think we should be friends anymore”? With similar wording, romantic relationships can be at least theoretically ‘cut clean’. Employers can (and oh so frequently DO) nowadays sever increasingly dysfunctional work ‘relationships’ at the drop of a hat without even having to bluster through much of a rationale much less an apology. But saying goodbye to a friend for the last time? Who can do that?

    “Let’s keep in touch,” we tell each other. Perhaps we mean it, perhaps we don’t. More likely, we simply don’t know where we’ll be or how we’ll feel in 5 years or even 5 months.

    Thus, with faded friendships too often experienced and understandably feared, the challenge then becomes more effectively managing the remaining (500+!) friendships.

    “Managing.” So businesslike. Outlook entries, IM lists, Christmas-cards-or-not, form letters, ad naseum. Oh, for the days of the small village, tighter boundaries, and simpler world!

    The answer, then, becomes one constrained by practicalities and too removed from idealism, but nonetheless clear. Prioritize, organize, and balance frequency of contacts with Quality Time. Remember birthdays, if nothing else.

    Or better yet, call. In this age of D.I. (Digital Instantaneousness), the phone may seem so anachronistic, especially for us Geek Guys. But it conveys a warmth that cannot be duplicated by anything other than looking into someone’s eyes and smiling.

    Of equal importance is the concept of letting go. With direct goodbyes not a pallatable option, at least we should drift gracefully, honestly. As tempting as it is to promise future contact (“I’ll write!”), ’tis better to follow our hearts before succumbing to conventional politeness.

    —

    No, Mom, I don’t need a new friend. I have too many friends that need my friendship, and they’ve been waiting too long already.

  • Simple relationship truths

    – We want what we cannot have.
    – We want what we do not have.
    – When we have something, we want something else.
    – This doesn’t mean we cannot enjoy what we have.
    – We have great advice for everyones’ problems but don’t follow our own advice.
    – It’s easier to bitch than to change.

    – We cannot change others. Really.
    – Women assume all men just want sex. They’re wrong.
    – Men assume all women want commitment. They’re wrong.
    – Men and women don’t really love what the media suggests we love.
    – If you’re not getting hurt, you’re not living.
    – Seeking love is expensive. Love itself is priceless.
    – Online dating attracts some real creeps. Just like offline dating.
    – Attraction is >90% non-verbal. You cannot really be in love with someone without seeing them in person.
    – Swing dancing is a great way to meet a special someone.
    – Swing dancing is a sucky way to meet a special someone.
    – See that ‘unattractive’ guy and his hottie girlfriend and visa versa? There’s hope.
    – Not sure how you’re coming across (e.g., desperate, too flirtatious, cold, etc.)? Buy a friend (not a best friend) a drink, ask a few questions, and you’ll know. You may cry, but you’ll know.
    – You’re not the only one depressed by the pukey pda in the park.
    – Work out. You’ll look more attractive in the long run and exercise = endorphins which make you FEEL better, too.
    – Keeping a journal helps you sort out your thoughts. Just beware / be aware of who reads it.
    – Just because I’m writing this on a Friday night does not mean I’m a lame ass šŸ˜€

    [Originally written and posted by me on a national swing dance board]

  • More thoughts on 9/11

    I’m faced with a balancing act here.

    I have strong feelings about 9/11… about our government’s reactions… and about individual responses. However, I also want to be sensitive to others who may feel that excessive questioning or cynicism about patriotism and similar issues are inappropriate at this time.

    Let me just say, though, that I find it highly ironic that there’s seemingly a nationwide push now for companies to go ‘dark’ on 9/11. Most recently, I read about how many telemarketing companies have pledged not to interrupt us on this Wednesday.

    How strange. Wasn’t it our very own president who suggested that there was nothing better we could do than SHOP after 9/11? Remember all those American-flag-as-shopping-bag stickers all around the place that proudly trumpted “America — Open for Business”?

    Okay, so most folks would agree that the telemarketing scum aren’t self-imposing this moratorium out of the goodness of their hearts; they simply don’t want the bad PR from selling Florida timeshare units and getting screamed at by indignant Americans.

    But wouldn’t it have made more sense to have the telemarketers not just go home and loaf around, but instead make telemarketing calls on behalf of bonafide charitable organizations for free?

    Imagine this… you get a phone call from someone asking for donations to the Red Cross or for — this’d be wild but sweet justice — aid for International Terrorism victims (not just US folks!).

    While I hate all telemarketing in general, at least this’d be for a good cause… and might even actually even raise MORE money than usual with people in a somber or reflective or giving mood!

    What do you think?

  • Courtesy or lack thereof

    Sometimes I’m really embarrassed to be a Democrat.

    While I abhor much of the ideologies (or at least practiced ideologies) of the Right, I’m similarly distressed when those on the Left abandon all pretenses of civility and courtesy through their consistent heckling of those espousing contrary viewpoints.

    I think back to my college days, when it was a common yet-still-disgusting occurrence to have conservative speakers booed and yelled at mid-speech by liberal protesters. I was particularly ashamed, because I knew of no similar instances of liberal guests being treated with such disrespect by conservative students.

    As most of us sadly realize, angry and impetuous liberals don’t miraculously mature after their heady pot-smoking college days. As fellow blogger Matt lamented recently, Colin Powell was soundly booed by protesters at the World Summit in South Africa.

    Like Matt, I make no pretenses about supporting the viewpoints of Mr. Powell, and I sure as hell don’t like our current President or his idiotic and damaging policies.

    However, I feel that common human civility compels — or should compel — people to let others speak their mind. I also believe that it is through respectful dialogue that we learn about ourselves and the world around us, whether such learning challenges or solidifies our current beliefs.

    How embarrassing and sad it is, then, that even at our most venerable institutions of learning such as Harvard and Northwestern University, even heads of state are unable to speak to an assembly without being screamed at.

    Are these liberals so fearful that their viewpoints cannot be effectively communicated before, after, or in a different place concurrently with those ideas they rail against? Cannot their beliefs stand the scrutiny of rational and polite discussion?

    Matt argues that civility is now just a “pipe dream” and “about as foreign an idea as a politician with integrity.” But somehow it seems that the greatest loss of respect is highlighted by my fellow liberals.

    I wish I knew why this was. And more importantly, I wish I could put an end to the nasty behavior.

  • Is it really snobbery?

    It’s so easy to assume the worst in people.

    That woman who won’t look me in the eye? She thinks she’s too good for me.

    That guy who barely grunts two words in response to my compliment? Arrogant asshole.

    And that woman who never asks me to dance and just ignores me when I walk past? What a snob!

    By assuming the worst, I can always be pleasantly surprised when I’m wrong.

    And… I usually am. Both wrong, and pleasantly surprised.

    There’s this one woman in the dance world, “Jaya,” who moves with incredible grace and sensuality… always dances with the same few hot guys… and is, unsurprisingly, drop-dead gorgeous.

    Doesn’t take much of a stretch of the imagination to pin the “SNOB!” label on her, does it?

    Imagine my surprise then, when one of my friends (“Mark”) spoke well of her, and indeed confided in me that he even went on a few dates with her some years back and she was “a total sweetheart.”

    Understandably incredulous, I asked Mark how he ever ended up talking with Jaya, much less going out on dates with her.

    He lowered his voice, and said with some embarrassment, “Uh… the tele-personals.”

    “The tele-what?!?” I said, not believing what I heard. Images of 1-900 sex line late-night ads popped into my head.

    Well, the reality of the situation was less raunchy but no less strange. Five years ago, before Internet dating had really taken off, there were apparently actual “personals” lines you could phone up, punch in your stats and preferences, with the goal of meeting one or more single people in your area who’d be compatible to date. San Francisco’s a big place and Mark — a handsome and successful businessman who had just moved to an outside sleepy suburb — was simply not having luck meeting women in bars or anywhere else for that matter.

    Okay, so I could understand this guy, despite his fine qualities, hitting the telepersonals in desperation. After all, women are — no matter what the numbers — almost always the ‘hunted’ while we’re the frustrated hunters.

    But what about this dream woman? When Jaya could probably get 100 guys to her side with a flick of her eyelashes, what the heck would she be doing on a service featuring down-on-their-luck male suitors?

    “She’s shy, Adam. Really, really, really shy” Mark insisted. “She hides it, yeah, I mean, she dresses nice and is a killer dancer. But she’s afraid of rejection, and guys are intimidated by her anyway.”

    I was stunned. I always thought Jaya had it all… total cool confidence, everything / everyone her heart desired, and so on.

    And here she was, actually scared guyless in the dating world.

    Mark also told me about other women he had gotten to know who were — contrary to popular opinion — actually insecure and/or shy and not snots at all. And over the last few weeks, I’ve made my own similar discoveries… learning that many “cold fish” are actually scaredy cats who open up when they get to know someone.

    And sometimes all it takes is a random event or issue to bridge the gap.

    I played a silly piano medley at a swing dance “talent night” and to my amazement, I got a standing ovation. Even more startling, however, was when one of the ice queens came up to me later, gave me a huge hug and said, “Wow, you are AMAZING!” And she’s been relatively friendly ever since!

    This isn’t to say, of course, that I haven’t encountered people who have — quite consistently — proven that they are indeed unrepentant snobs. But strangely, this has turned out to be the exception, not the rule.

    Will this change my behavior, prompting me to assume the best in aloof folks, rather than the worst?

    It should, yes, but I doubt I’ll change anytime soon. After all, despite my generally optimistic and sunny disposition, it’s just too much of a pleasant surprise being proven wrong in this context, again and again šŸ˜€

  • Flabby Meal

    Flabby Meal

    Perhaps this qualifies as a “duh!” discovery, but I think I’ve just gained additional insight into why Americans are so dang fat.

    Our society typically treats our kids like blubbering (literally) unsophisticates at mealtimes.

    Check out the “kids meals” at almost any eatery, and you’ll see:
    – lots and lots of fried stuff
    – red (and often very fatty) meat
    – sodas

    I realize that young kids have may not yet have acquired a taste for asparagus tips and tofu strips, but then again, is of much what we ascribe to “kids’ tastes” merely a reflection of a self-fulfilling prophecy?

    Translated into English: We assume young children will only eat unhealthy crap, so that’s what our society advertises and puts into Happy Meals, and thus what parents end up serving their kids.

    Why isn’t there a “grilled chicken” Happy Meal?
    Why don’t kids get a bag of baked potato chips instead of greasy fried potato chips with their school lunches?
    Why isn’t juice (not Hawaiian Punch) usually a choice with children’s specials?

    And doesn’t anyone out there — corporations or parents — feel the least bit guilty about actively pushing heart-attacks-on-a-bun on Junior?

    Here’d be something interesting to figure out:
    – How many kids eventually die from alcohol-related injuries or diseases?
    versus
    – How many kids eventually die from obesity-related injuries or diseases?

    In America, we spend bazillions of dollars enforcing ridiculous (and globally often ridiculed) laws prohibiting 16 year olds from having a glass of wine with dinner or a beer at their family picnic.

    But somehow it doesn’t seem to bother our collective conscience that we’re fattening up our kids to death… not just allowing them to eat artery-clogging junk, but actively encouraging, facilitating, and celebrating this sort of deadly diet.

    Don’t get me wrong… I’m not personally living on a diet of broccoli and water, nor do I begrudge anyone (including myself!) the occasional ice cream or juicy steak or any other food for that matter. Rather, I’m simply disgusted by the fact that we don’t offer our kids any alternatives… in effect teaching them that hamburgers are a “Happy Meal” and that green stuff is something that they’re forced to eat at home (seemingly as a punishment) before they can eat the “good stuff.”

    And then we wonder why our kids become Super-Sized(tm).

  • Shut the [bleep] up!

    Shut the [bleep] up!

    New York Councilman Philip Reed has proposed a law to ban cell phone gabbing in “any place to which the public is invited or permitted and where members of the public assemble to witness cultural, recreational or educational activities.”

    How dumb. What’s he going to do next, ban New Yorkers from talking loud in restaurants? From bumping into each other on the crowded streets and not apologizing?

    While I have very little sympathy for the mobile phone industry and even less respect for those people who do chit-chat on their phones incessantly, I don’t believe in legislation on ethical and moral issues that don’t really hurt anyone.

    Yes, I think it’s supremely annoying that some people can’t seem to wait 18 extra minutes to express googly-eye thoughts to their honey on the bus (“Yes, honey, oh, I’m now crossing 37th… I should be home any minute. How’s poochie? Yes, I love you too…”) Barf.

    I am also similarly annoyed by loud gum-chewers, people who fill up their 10 gallon jug at the drinking fountain at the gym, and other assorted cretins. But I don’t ask my local legislators to pass laws against them.

    Doesn’t Philip Reed have anything more pressing to attend to in politics? Maybe instead of proposing lame laws, he could instead simply informally encourage folks that are fed up to exert some extra peer pressure in person on the jerks who insist on yakking in the theatre — on the phone or otherwise.

    Or perhaps even better yet… people in NY and elsewhere could discover the beauty of text messaging (SMS), just like the SMS-crazy Europeans and Asians. Short messages are pretty easy to send, they’re cheap or free, and they disturb neither the recipient nor the people around the sender.

    Sounds a lot better than sending in policeman after chronic yakkers, doesn’t it? šŸ™‚

  • Everlasting Friendship

    Tonight while waiting in line for a weights class (“Rep Reebok”) at my gym I met a really sweet French girl and we got to talking about Parisians (she’s not one), Americans, and — most interestingly — friendships.

    She suggested to me, as have many other Europeans, that Americans are more outgoing and friendly and “nice” than folks in many other cultures, but that we don’t treat close friendships in the same way. Specifically, we may have more “friends” at any given moment, but we don’t often really work to deepen our friendships, or even maintain them over time.

    She elaborated further, “When I move back to France in a year, I know Veronique will still be my friend, still there, waiting for me.”

    My natural instinct was to defend my culture, to defend myself… to note that I have some wonderful American friends, and that it’s not uncommon for people to have and keep “best friends” here. Or, at minimum, I thought about justifying the perceived differences in our cultures by noting that Americans are more transient… moving more often… and having to remain slightly more guarded and less attached, lest they repeatedly have their hearts torn.

    But in the end, I just nodded my head. “I understand you,” I answered. “Each Winter I return to Germany to see friends that mean just as much to me now as they did when I lived just a few miles from them. I think about them all the time, and I care about them a lot.”

    She smiled. I don’t know if she believed me. And I’m not sure if I think Americans are really more shallow than the French at their very core. Perhaps we just have different ways of expressing friendship and love?

    But inside, actually, I winced. And I wondered with some sadness how many of my friends now will still truly be friends when I am far away.

  • Titilating Puritanism and Asses of Evil

    While I guess this isn’t breaking news at this point, I just heard that the winner of the Miss N. Carolina pageant resigned after “her former boyfriend had contacted the Miss America organization, saying he had nude photos of her” unbenownst to her when she was changing clothes.

    Lordy, and to think that this woman had the audacity to be NAKED during the process!

    Actually, in this article, it’s shown how other beauty queens have been adversely (perversely?) affected as well. Only in America…