Cell phone ban, schmell phone ban… I have BETTER ideas!

Last week, the New York City Council took the brave and apparently necessary step of legislating common courtesy by passing a resolution to ban cell phone conversations in public places such as theatres and restaurants.

Surely we’ve all wanted to throttle clueless morons blathering stuff like “Hey, you wouldn’t believe what quiet and tender romantic scene is on the screen now, honey!” and since we’re incapable of actually asking the clueless twit to shut up ourselves, it’s so nice that we have the force of law to help!

However, I feel that the New York City Council didn’t go far enough. If *I* were in charge, I’d tackle the following more pressing problems:

Everything but the Kitchen Stink:
All those who fail to bathe, or who put on enough cologne or perfume to mask their apparent non-bathing should be fumigated and then fined. Especially if they’re sitting next to me on a plane.

Stupid Rude Americanism:
Whether in the U.S. or abroad, Americans should be flatly prohibited from treating service staff like maggots, obnoxiously shouting with friends on public transportation, or complaining loudly, “This isn’t like we got at home!”

Advertising by Half:
“Fares starting at $99!” (round trip purchase is required, taxes and fees likely to increase fare by more than 50%). What idiocy. Do we see this in any other sector? “Delicious Pizza! Just $5” (includes half the pizza, full pizza purchase required, crust safety-and-stability fee extra, pizza oven taxes also additional). Or how about “Full body massage… just $25!” (includes only right half of body… left side of body massage must be purchased as part of this special).

I would praise American gas station managers for at least their honesty and completeness in advertising since they include taxes in the price listed on their signs… but they’re also the idiots who price stuff at TENTHS of cents. Gimme a break — and I don’t mean the one penny windfall I get when I buy ten gallons!

When it comes down to it, actually, I think the issues I tackle above are a lot more important than the wimpy cell phone concern. For one thing, it’s a lot easier to grab and stomp on someone’s infernal mobile than it is to de-stink the person, or make them less provincial (though being bigger than they are helps, too).

On a more serious note… our apparent need to legislate good manners — along with common sense driving tips re: driving-while-yacking — is rather alarming to me. America is already the Laughingstock of Labels (Warning: Do not change lawn mower blades while motor is on); it’s not a huge leap before we’re seen as the village idiots who can’t wipe our own posteriors unless we’re legally compelled to do so.



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What do you think?