[Humor] 100 yards Longs brand Waxed Mint Dental Tape, almost new

Today we have a guest post!  Hopefully a nice respite from all the political tensions.

The note below was written by Mark Pilloff for distribution on our company’s “for sale” (classifieds) list.  I’ve reproduced it below in its entirety with, of course, Mark’s permission.  Enjoy! 😀

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Free: 100 yards Longs brand Waxed Mint Dental Tape, almost new

Recently my dentist suggested to me that dental tape, thanks to its larger cleaning area, was more effective than ordinary dental floss.  So a few weeks ago, when my previous container of floss ran out, I went to Longs to bring my routine of dental hygiene out of the stone age and incorporate the modern marvel of dental tape.  (Mike Nichols said in a recent interview that if he were making “The Graduate” today, he would update the iconic line to, “I just want to say two words to you.  Just two words.  Dental tape.”  True story.)

Have you bought dental floss / tape lately?  So many choices!  Dozens and dozens of them.  That’s what’s so great about this offer: besides being absolutely free, you have just one choice.  One terrible (but free!) choice.  The same terrible choice that I already made when I stared at the shelves at Longs, thought to myself, “What difference does it make?”, and reached for the most cost effective dental tape option available: 100 yards of Longs brand Waxed Mint Dental Tape.

What I am offering to all of you, absolutely free and with no strings attached, is one almost new container of unquestionably the worst dental floss/tape I’ve ever used.  This dental tape is thick like packing twine, the sort you’d use to bundle up a bale of old newspapers before dropping them off on the curb to be recycled.  To get it to slip between your teeth you’ll have to wiggle it back and forth ten times or more and pull hard enough to cut off the circulation in your fingers.  Each time it finally grinds its way into the slot between your teeth, dropping into place with a stinging snap, you’ll yell to anyone around, or maybe just to your reflection in the mirror, “I hate this @#$% floss.  This is the worst floss ever.  I never should have bought it.”  (Actually, since you’ll be getting this floss complete free of charge, you’ll merely yell, “I hate this @#$% floss.  This is the worst floss ever.”)

Did I mention the coarseness and sharp edge on the tape?  The last time I tried using it, I got a paper cut behind my molar!  And then I yelled at my reflection in the mirror and vowed never to use this dental tape again.

But maybe after reading this you’re just a little bit curious to feel the worst flossing experience on Earth?  Or maybe you have widely spaced teeth which could benfit from dental floss thick enough to tie up a rib roast?  Or maybe you simply can’t resist the word “free”?  Personally I just hate to see anything go to waste, so whatever your motivation, I will gladly give you the remaining 98 yards of my dental tape without expecting anything in return.  (Although if you want to drop me a line and tell me how much you hated it, I’d be happy to hear from you.)

To add further insult to considerable injury, I’m way out in 1950 [Ed. note: this is a building on the outer edge of our campus].  Top floor!  No elevator!  (Okay, the elevator works, but you should punish yourself on the stairs anyway—think of it as a masochistic prelude.)



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8 responses to “[Humor] 100 yards Longs brand Waxed Mint Dental Tape, almost new”

  1. Meg Avatar

    Should I have heard of dental tape??

  2. Jan Janssen Avatar

    “dental tape, thanks to its larger cleaning area, was more effective than ordinary dental floss.”

    I haven’t even heard of dental tape. Do they sell that in Europe?

  3. Jillian Avatar

    Next time I need something to tie up my old newspapers, I will check the bathroom cabinet for an old box of dental floss! The man is a genius!

  4. Adam Avatar

    if only he had thought to sell it on ebay!  He could have made a million!

    And no, Jan and Flathead, it’s not sold in Europe. You guys only get SOCIALIST dental floss there 😛

  5. Matt Avatar

    LOL 🙂 What we are doing without dental floss

  6. Adam Avatar

    Glad so many of you were similarly amused.  And yeah, next time I’ll tell the fella “Pics or it didn’t happen!” 😛

  7. Alicia Avatar

    The dental tape you write about is the BEST!  And sadly now that Longs has been acquired by CVS they no longer make it.  I have driven to every Longs in southern California and bought up every pkg.  of this wonderful product and would pay a kings ransom for a large supply of it! Im a bit obcessed about flossing…. My hubby says I floss if I even THINK about food.  🙂

  8. Adam Avatar

    Alicia, have you talked to a doctor about this obsession 😀

What do you think?