Luck, girls, flies, truffles, tall people, and 100 BILLION dollars

I’ve been duly inspired by my friend Graham.  And given that I’m too lazy / cautious / tired to do a deep and meaningful and original blog entry this evening, I’ve decided to instead just share a few thoughts about the search phrases people have used to get to my humble BLADAM 2.0 site over the last 3 days.  Each phrase is linked to the entry on my blog that the searcher clicked through to (providing a fulfilling-but-sometimes-scary-bladam-blast-from-the-past!)

First, the odd but undoubtedly heartfelt declaration:

     i have bad luck

I’m sorry, fella.  I’m not quite sure what sort of solace or answers you were seeking in this grand set of clogged tubes, but luckily another BLADAM visitor feels your pain and offers this advice:

     dont feel sad about bad luck

Well, there you have it!  Now we just need Bobby McFerrin to pop by and it’ll all be hunky dory.

Oh, and speaking of heartfelt, I had a few zillion folks visiting here searching for advice about girls (specifically, how to win them over and settle down happy ever after, or at least see them naked).  Faithful readers… let me just be straight with you up front here:  you’re asking the wrong guy, and you’re definitely browsing the wrong blog.  Do I look like Oprah to you?  [hint: the answer to that should be NO.]

So, without further ado, here are the lovestruck searchers:

     how do i talk to the girl i like after telling her i like her

Very carefully.  And potentially from a great distance if she or her boyfriend are armed, dangerous, and/or jealous.

     how do i impress a girl who likes me and i like her

Dude, get a grip.  You like her.  She likes you.  What’s with this impressing crap?  Get off the computer and go have some fun!

     how to impress a girl when we dont know her

Uh… there’s more than one of you?  I dunno about this group impressing concept.  “Okay, Jake, now it’s your turn!  Here, I’ll throw you the ukulele and unicycle!”  Personally, I’d lean towards the one-guy-per-girl sort of thing (unless you’re in the Bay Area and then, hey, as long as no one gets hurt…).  What’s that?  Oh… my lawyers have insisted that I add this disclaimer:  if you do try to woo her with a unicycle, use a helmet, please.  And a slotted spoon for catching the potato. (I have weird lawyers).

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And now we veer into slightly less romantic territory.

     flies in my apartment

That’s nothing.  I have bats in my belfry AND I’m going bananas!  Anyway, just go to the store to get some flypaper and then call your landlord.  No… don’t call him that!  You can catch more flies with honey…

And speaking of sweet (oooo… love these transitions!  Adam, were you once a newspaper editor?  Why, yes I was!)…

     calories in moonstruck truffles

Okay, let me be politically incorrect for a moment.
– Similar to the how-much-does-that-necklace-in-the-window-cost rule:  If you have to ask, you can’t afford to eat it.
– No, there aren’t low fat / low cal truffles.
– Even if there were, they’d be an affront to dog and man.
– And lastly, yes, you have a big butt, I cannot lie.

For those who CAN afford anything they ask about…

     what 100 billion dollars can buy

Whoa… er, hi, Bill!  A pleasure to have you visiting my blog!  I’m delighted to answer your question (what, Clippy was unavailable?)
100 billion dollars can cover…
– A very large portion of my student loans.
– A brain transplant for a good many members of the U.S. Congress, particularly Ted Stevens.
– And… oh, wait, I guess that’ll pretty much use up the 100b.  Still, they’re both such worthy causes!

And finally… for those who don’t have 100 billion to spend on fancy gym equipment, there’s the following:

     work outs for tall people

Certainly, that’s an easy one.  Lift short people.

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Thank you, come again!







2 responses to “Luck, girls, flies, truffles, tall people, and 100 BILLION dollars”

  1. Phill Midwinter Avatar

    clippy rocks! f**king wizard and b***ard dog he has to deal with now though, they’re gits.

  2. James Avatar

    If you really love her, and she too,
    Than just look in her eyes and say i am the one who can wait for you till the end of the time.
    And see the result.

What do you think?