Nice guys? Yeah, right.

[I wrote this tongue-in-cheek column for Simon and Schuster’s College Online section on AOL back in 1996. Not terribly groundbreaking stuff, but at least mildly entertaining and worth saving at least somewhere for posterity 😀 — Adam]

Okay, Mr. and Miss Nice Persons, time to face the facts. You’re in short supply, yet low demand. Admit it. Most undergrads don’t want someone nice. They want someone sexy. Daring. Cool. Hip. Popular. Strong.

Oh, sure, you always hear “I just want a *NICE* guy / girl!” but then you see these same underage men and women sneaking into bars, beer goggling at frat parties, and spending the night with folks their parents don’t know about and DEFINITELY wouldn’t approve of.

In fact, that’s the name of the game. Rebellion. Experimentation. Going wild.

Men, if you’re really lookin’ for that sweet gal to discuss your mutual love of literature, flowers, and kittens with, why are you instead scoping out the “chicks” that have larger breast mass than brain mass?

Women, if you’re really looking for that “nice guy to marry,” why are you batting your eyelashes at guys who’ve got the muscles of Arnold but the brains and maturity of Bart Simpson?

Wouldn’t it be a lot easier to just be honest with each other? If you’re looking for folks to do the horizontal hoola with, just say so. If your idea of commitment at the moment involves being committed to remember your date’s name at least two out of three times, then be up front about it.

And to those of you who really, in your heart, ARE among the “nice” people, let me reassure you that all hope is not lost. If you’re crazy enough to go on to graduate school, you’ll find that it becomes much easier finding other nice people to date. Whether you’ll have time to go out, of course, is something else entirely, and perhaps material for another column 🙂